Reality #1: There is no such thing as “color blindness.”

If you are proclaiming as a potential or new parent that you are “color blind” and that “skin color doesn’t matter,” please examine what you are saying—and stop saying it. Stop believing it. If you cannot do that, then do not adopt a child of a different race.

Your belief that skin color is not a “thing” only contributes to the problem of race relations and stereotyping in this world. You can’t deny what is sadly omnipresent in our society—you must face it, fiercely and with coping mechanisms at the ready. Now is not the time to bury your head in the sand and proclaim that “skin color doesn’t matter.” As much as we’d like to believe that it doesn’t, the reality is much different.

For example, in a 2015 blog post for Today’s Parent, author Jackie Gillard (Caucasian woman and mom of daughter Nyah, adopted from South Africa), had this to say:

“We live in a diverse community, and perhaps I was a little naive, but I didn’t imagine the color of her skin would be such an issue. We knew before her adoption that a black child in a white family would invite questions and opinions, which we thought we’d be able to answer with educated, sensitive responses. We accept being an example for the evolving definition of ‘family’ but didn’t anticipate that we (and Nyah) would feel such resentment toward all the scrutiny. She has been called ‘poop’ by some kids in her class and has been told by others that her skin color is the reason she’s left out of playgroups. I feel guilty that she has to deal with any of this; I simply wanted to be a mother. Nyah has told me a few times that she wishes she ‘matched’ her family and has even asked me if I wish I’d made a white baby in my tummy instead of adopting her. We assure her often that we love her because of her beautiful skin, not in spite of it. How can I explain that I only wish I had conceived and given birth to her?”

Robyn Wells (mom of an adopted son from Ethiopia) explained to writer Karen Valby in an adoption article for Time Parents that she was prepared for many realities of transracial adoption but “at no point in the process of considering transracial adoption did I think I would have to teach my son how to stay alive.”

Reality #2: With the adoption of your child comes a new culture that your family gets to be part of.

Get ready for your world to become bigger, because as a transracial adoptive family, you get to dive into a whole other culture that your family is now directly connected to, thanks to your child. The benefits of this cannot be overstated. For example, when my husband and I adopted our son from South Korea, we were overwhelmed by the acceptance we felt as part of the South Korean culture. We joined an adoptive parents playgroup that consisted of other couples who had adopted children from South Korea through our agency. We have attended Korean holiday celebrations, met many families from South Korea, went to a Korean Culture Camp run by Korean Americans for families with adopted children from South Korea, and the list goes on. We now consider South Korea to be part of our family’s culture. Had we not adopted our son, this huge and important piece of our life would have never existed. Katie, adoption blogger at Loving Well Living Well and white mom of an adopted black daughter, says it best in her blog post “10 Truths and Realities of Transracial Adoption,” reminding parents to not only embrace their child’s culture but to face the difficulties and challenges of being a transracial family head-on: 

“To have an additional layer of heritage, culture, and race imprinted in your family’s makeup creates a life that is richer, deeper, and fuller. To embrace a community, a way of life, and a culture that may differ than the one you were born into opens your eyes to a beauty which may not have been exposed without having a family member born from that community. That honor comes with a distinct obligation a parent must face square on to ensure a successful transracial adoption experience. Unfortunately, this responsibility can be unintentionally neglected and has led to damaging effects on a child’s identity, understanding, and coping mechanisms which continue throughout their life.”

For Katie’s recommendations on how parents can equip their children (and themselves) to deal with racism and stereotypes, read her full blog post here.

Reality #3: You are not “saving” your child. Don’t adopt simply because you want to be some sort of hero.

Please do not let the concept of “saving a poor, innocent child” be the reason that you adopt a child—any child, let alone a child of another race. Karen Valby, a mom and writer who lives in Austin, Texas with her husband (both of them are white) and two daughters, one Ethiopian and one African American, says this about Jane Jeong Trenka’s memoir, The Language of Blood, in which Trenka discusses the “imposition of forced gratitude”:

“Neighbors in her all white conservative Minnesota town loved to remind her how very lucky she and her sister were that their German Lutheran parents rescued them from Korea. Her parents called her ‘chosen,’ a verbal tic that made the author feel like a sale item from a department store. Any questions or fantasies about her birth mother seemed like a betrayal of their gift of family. How can one build an authentic relationship of love and trust with a person to whom you’ve been made to feel you owe an unpayable debt?”

—From Valby’s article in Time Magazine Parents, titled “The Realities of Raising a Kid of a Different Race”

Are you ready to pursue adoption? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to connect with compassionate, nonjudgmental adoption specialists who can help you get started on the journey of a lifetime.

The post 3 Realities of Transracial Adoption appeared first on Adoption Articles | Transracial, Guides, International, Parenting.

1. Your country choice will guide your entire journey.

Each country has very specific requirements for adoptive parents. Many of those requirements center around age, length of marriage, and number of children already in your home. Some countries have additional medical limitations while others have specific rules about the ages of the children already in your home. Beyond the household rules, there are additional requirements per country for your home study and dossier. Some countries require psychological evaluations for everyone in the home, but others do not. Your country choice will also determine what your journey will look like; while some countries have referral programs, others have waiting children lists to choose from. Whatever country’s requirements match your family’s situation, that country will set up the rest of your adoption journey schedule for you.

2. The cost of plane tickets may be your most expensive fee.

When you adopt internationally, your bills will look very different from those adopting domestically. Your fees will include things like translation services, legal representation in country, NGO services, food while traveling, and plane tickets. And, though each fee is a little more painful than the last, the plane tickets will often be your biggest sum (and you most likely won’t have a lot of turnaround time to fundraise for them).

3. You will need to prepare yourself linguistically and culturally.

Adopting internationally means that you now have a child who was born into a different culture, speaking a different language. Even if your child looks like you on the outside, there may be significant culture differences that you will encounter within the first few months home. Familiarizing yourself with your country’s cultural practices and traditions and learning some key words and phrases in the native tongue of your new child will help ease your transition into a forever family. Your child may have food preferences (e.g. preferring meats and cheeses if born in an eastern European country), personal space variations, style preferences, etc. Though some of those things may be different due to being raised in an institution, learning the cultural nuances of your child’s birth country will help ease the transition. Learning a few linguistic phrases will help you communicate during those first few difficult months; it will help you keep the child safe, teach him or her to communicate with you, and help establish a healthy bond from the start.

4. Limiting your welcoming committee will help your attachment relationship.

When you adopt, there is often a period of time called “cocooning” after you bring your child home that agencies and social workers will strongly suggest you utilize. Limiting who comes into contact with your new addition will positively impact your attachment relationship right after you come home. Your child will probably not fully understand what has happened or what his or her new role is within your family. The concept of “mom” and “dad” will be difficult to grasp, so limiting who welcomes you home off the airplane to immediate family and grandparents will set you up for deeper understanding of your new parent-child relationship. And, although it may be difficult to tell Aunt Sally that she can’t meet your new child at the airport, it may really help set the stage for attachment success.

5. Your journey may feel like a marathon with the last few months feeling like a sprint. 

Many international adoption routes involve long wait times. Even if you are open to special needs or older children, if you are going more of a traditional route where you wait for a match from the government/adoption committee in your country of choice, then you may be waiting longer than you wish you had to. From the time you submit your initial screening application to your agency to the time you are matched with your child, there may be anywhere from weeks to months (depending on country choice and child parameters). Once you are matched, the process often speeds up, and you will be on an airplane with a frightened toddler before you know it. So, fundraise, gather paperwork, set up the new bedroom while you have the chance, because once you have a picture of the child’s face, the whole world seems to speed up, and there won’t be enough minutes in the day.

6. You will now cheer for two countries during the Olympics.

Though your patriotism for the USA may run deep, you are now forever connected to a new place. Even if your child does not have fond memories or a positive experience from the orphanage, or if you are having to limit contact with foster parents from across the sea, the culture, traditions, and heritage of that country are in the blood of your new child. Teaching him or her to love and appreciate heritage may look like you cheering for the birth country’s Olympic team. So, fly that American flag high, and proudly fly the other country’s flag right below it.

Navigating international adoption can be tricky. You are dealing with multiple languages, plane tickets, maps, and foreign food. You may be caught off guard by your NGO interpreter or not understand why your new child keeps eating soup with his or her hands. You may not understand why the government wants you to submit your fingerprints for the fourth time this year or why your country choice seems to be more unstable than your other options. But, know that your child will be well worth the battle.

Are you and your partner ready to start the adoption process? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to begin your adoption journey. We have 130+ years of adoption experience and would love to help you.

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